Goodbye To The Old Me

I want my old kink back... Back when it was all new and exciting, and I couldn't get enough, and I couldn't be spanked enough, and it's what I spent half my time thinking about. It was all fun and fresh. I was making new discoveries about myself and my likes and dislikes practically every day. I want to go back to when I had some level of tolerance. When I could cope with more than a handspanking and a bit of strapping without bursting into tears.

Don't get me wrong, It's not like I've lost my kink. I still enjoy playing, being spanked, though it takes much less to get through to me nowadays than it used to. I still read blogs, though again not as often I used to, I even still blog, once in a while, as you can see! But it's not like it used to be. Some of the, well, joy, I suppose seems to have gone out of kink life. This isn't about the quality of my play, one on one or group, which is as good as ever, it's more about me having lost some of my enthusiasm, and I don't really know why.

Is it just something that happens over time? Is about “growing up”? Maybe that first flush of excitement is over and I'm more mature about my kink now. Is it because it's over three years since I came out, and maybe it's just not possible to sustain that level of interest and enthusiasm and still have time to do all the other stuff that I want or have to do?
Whatever the reason, it makes me sad that the new and green me is gone, maybe for ever. I wish I could find some way to bottle that old feeling so I can access it when I want it. I want to crave being beaten like I used to, frustrating though those feelings are when it's weeks until they are fulfilled.

But I suppose I must accept that those times are probably over. I have grown up, in my kink at least, I'm older, wiser, more jaded than three years ago, and I was probably never going to be able to sustain that level of interest with everything else that goes on in my life. I need to learn that my kink is now a different animal to what it was. To recognise that even though I won't spend days, or weeks even, obsessing about an upcoming spanking like I used to, it doesn't mean I will enjoy it any less when it actually happens. And while rationally I know that this is a natural development, I still mourn a little for the passing of my old, permanently kink obsessed self.

No Clothes

A couple of weeks ago Abel wrote a post about nudity, and it's place in scenes. It's something I've been pondering on and off ever since. For me, nudity is all about context. For instance, as my school girl character, Jemima, nudity would be utterly inappropriate, and (overdramatic though this sounds) feel like the scene was starting to border on abuse of power, if nothing else. And while I'm sure that would be fine for lots of people, in my “school girl” mindset, it would be very wrong.

When I'm playing as me though, it's a different story. Being made to strip can have different effects on me depending on the tone of the scene and who I'm playing with. It has taken me by surprise when the order was unexpected, wrongfooting me mentally, making me submit far faster than I would otherwise have done. It can be humiliating, objectifying, making me embarrassed and scrutinised. It can be intimate in the right context as well, even more so if you are undressed rather than undressing yourself.

There is of course always an element of embarrassment for me. I'm naturally pretty shy so the mere act of taking my clothes off (or having them taken off) can leave me cringing inside. And therein lies the power, I suppose. There is a vulnerability in being totally exposed in front of someone else, especially if they are fully clothed. And letting myself give in to that vulnerability can be quite exciting.