Birthday Presents

My birthday was last week. I decided to have another birthday party, a repeat of last years shenanigans, and lots of very lovely friends came to help me celebrate. And, being the lovely people that they are, they did something that they really didn't need to do, and bring presents. Some of them were very nice (pretty, or yummy, or indulgent!) non kinky presents, and some were rather less suitable for showing to my mother, as you can see below.

First, and these are in no particular order, a beautiful razor strop from Abel and Haron. This is a genuine razor strop, sold as such from a non kinky vendor (well, in theory!), and it's actually really quite lovely. It can be a little vicious, but is mostly really rather nice!

The next present is absolutely amazing. It is a double strap from the wonderful, talented London Tanner. The strap has my initials on one side, and holes on the other. It's also fantastic to use, says me, with an evil grin on my face. I didn't have it used that much on myself as my kink was still a wee bit in hiding, though it did start to come back during the evening. Now it's back a bit more I can't wait to experience it more thoroughly!

This next one is a "present" from the (delightful?) Irelynn Logeen. It's a giant wooden spoon. Next to it, you can see my size 8 flip flop. (that's US size 10, or EU size 42, just so you know!). The spoon bit itself is wider than my shoe. The handle is probably three feet long. I personally think that someone should be punished long and hard for giving anyone a present like that!

Lastly, the (normally nice!) Mr Allen gave me a carpet beater... which stings like a very, very stingy thing. With friends like these and all that :-D

I think the showpiece of the whole day though, was the cake made for me by the wonderful Ella. I can't remember when I last had a birthday cake, so her offer to make me one was special in itself, but I was blown away when I saw the actual cake. A caned bottom, complete with stripes which are darker on the left side than the right side. It was a work of art, and everybody loved it. It seemed a shame to cut it, but we did anyway, and it was as tasty as it was beautiful.

Thank you to everyone, both those who could be there and those who couldn't, for wonderful company, copious amount of alcohol (anyone who tries to bring beer into my house until the last lot has gone will be forced to stand in the porch and drink it all!), and generous and lovely presents which you really didn't need to bring, but which were very much appreciated nevertheless.

Here's to next year!

Being Scared

I'm scared.

There, I've said it.

I'm scared of playing. Especially scared of playing "properly", with anyone. Of getting into some sort of headspace. Of letting go. Because if I let go of myself that might mean letting go of the balls I'm juggling, and the fears I'm feeling, and the worry I'm worrying. And who knows what will happen if I let go of all those balls? I suspect it won't be very pretty at all.

I'm even scared of playing "for fun". Of just being spanked gently, playfully, because I know that my pain threshold has downgraded itself from "wavering" to "disappeared down a rabbit hole". So even a gentle spanking might hurt a lot. And one of my first reactions to pain is to cry. And if I start crying will I stop? And that's really not a fun, playful spanking anymore, is it?

This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that it's my birthday this weekend. And I'm having a party. For kinky folk. And tradition dictates that when there are a bunch of perverts assembled for a birthday, the birthday girl gets spanked. So you can see my problem really... fun, playful birthday spankings might end in an emotional meltdown. So I'm scared of even going there.

Of course, they might not. But I don't know this, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk it. So I'm hoping writing down might make it all go away and sort itself out.
It sometimes does.