Being Scared

I'm scared.

There, I've said it.

I'm scared of playing. Especially scared of playing "properly", with anyone. Of getting into some sort of headspace. Of letting go. Because if I let go of myself that might mean letting go of the balls I'm juggling, and the fears I'm feeling, and the worry I'm worrying. And who knows what will happen if I let go of all those balls? I suspect it won't be very pretty at all.

I'm even scared of playing "for fun". Of just being spanked gently, playfully, because I know that my pain threshold has downgraded itself from "wavering" to "disappeared down a rabbit hole". So even a gentle spanking might hurt a lot. And one of my first reactions to pain is to cry. And if I start crying will I stop? And that's really not a fun, playful spanking anymore, is it?

This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that it's my birthday this weekend. And I'm having a party. For kinky folk. And tradition dictates that when there are a bunch of perverts assembled for a birthday, the birthday girl gets spanked. So you can see my problem really... fun, playful birthday spankings might end in an emotional meltdown. So I'm scared of even going there.

Of course, they might not. But I don't know this, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk it. So I'm hoping writing down might make it all go away and sort itself out.
It sometimes does.