Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Goodbye To The Old Me

I want my old kink back... Back when it was all new and exciting, and I couldn't get enough, and I couldn't be spanked enough, and it's what I spent half my time thinking about. It was all fun and fresh. I was making new discoveries about myself and my likes and dislikes practically every day. I want to go back to when I had some level of tolerance. When I could cope with more than a handspanking and a bit of strapping without bursting into tears.

Don't get me wrong, It's not like I've lost my kink. I still enjoy playing, being spanked, though it takes much less to get through to me nowadays than it used to. I still read blogs, though again not as often I used to, I even still blog, once in a while, as you can see! But it's not like it used to be. Some of the, well, joy, I suppose seems to have gone out of kink life. This isn't about the quality of my play, one on one or group, which is as good as ever, it's more about me having lost some of my enthusiasm, and I don't really know why.

Is it just something that happens over time? Is about “growing up”? Maybe that first flush of excitement is over and I'm more mature about my kink now. Is it because it's over three years since I came out, and maybe it's just not possible to sustain that level of interest and enthusiasm and still have time to do all the other stuff that I want or have to do?
Whatever the reason, it makes me sad that the new and green me is gone, maybe for ever. I wish I could find some way to bottle that old feeling so I can access it when I want it. I want to crave being beaten like I used to, frustrating though those feelings are when it's weeks until they are fulfilled.

But I suppose I must accept that those times are probably over. I have grown up, in my kink at least, I'm older, wiser, more jaded than three years ago, and I was probably never going to be able to sustain that level of interest with everything else that goes on in my life. I need to learn that my kink is now a different animal to what it was. To recognise that even though I won't spend days, or weeks even, obsessing about an upcoming spanking like I used to, it doesn't mean I will enjoy it any less when it actually happens. And while rationally I know that this is a natural development, I still mourn a little for the passing of my old, permanently kink obsessed self.


Anonymous said...

That's very touching, Eliane. Lovely to get such insight into your inner world, even if it is in retrospect.

Karl Friedrich Gauss

Bonnie said...

Hi Elaine,

As someone who has enjoyed spanking for longer than many adults have been alive, my perspective is a bit different. My level of interest seems to be cyclical. Just about the time when I think we might have played out the game, we come with a new angle, a new interest, a new toy, or a new style. Suddenly, it's all novel and fun again.

Is it possible that what you are experiencing is merely an ebb tide?


Indy said...

I sometimes miss the old excitement of going to a party, not quite believing that I'm going to get spanked. I think you're right that the initial burst of excitement disappears for good. When I look back, though, I am much happier to have the experience and even more important, the friends, that I do now. That may make play less exciting (albeit safer and more more successful), but it sure makes for a more fulfilling life. i mean, I how great could my early days in the scene be if I hadn't met you yet? ;)

Abel1234 said...

This is such a touching, insightful post. Is it inevitable, perhaps, that we embrace something new with more passion and energy than we can sustain on an on-going basis?

I'm not sure it is for everyone - it isn't for me, when it comes to spanking (or indeed love!) - but there is often such a sense of release and freedom when someone embraces their kink that those early days, months may be especially intense. So many firsts to experience; so much new to discover; so many friends to make: kinky life can't continue to bring the same novelty non-stop.

What's lovely about your post is the sense of embracing the fact that your kink has evolved; being realistic about it; still deriving pleasure from it, even if that "first flush" of the new has been left behind.

Thank you for sharing such honest thoughts on an aspect of kink that must be hard to articulate, yet so relevant to very many.

Em said...

Like Bonnie, I've found my level of interest to be cyclical. We all have so many different facets that make up our whole selves: work, kink, friends, personal responsibilities, and all of our other hobbies and interests.

For one to stay so dominant in our lives, it would seem to necessitate giving up or permanently scaling some of the others. In terms of the overall balance of our lives, that seems to be unsustainable.

Will I ever feel quite like I did just before and after my very first spanking? No, probably not. But I do find that there's always something new to experience or to fantasize about. Sometimes those fantasies/experiences are top on my mind and other times they take a back seat to my other obligations, but they're always lurking, ready for their time in the spotlight to come around again.