Reading Emma Jane's post from the weekend, many thoughts and feelings struck me. I'll admit that a certain amount of awe was one of the thoughts. Emma Jane plays much more deeply than I ever could. She surrenders herself to a role, a situation, to the pain, in a way that I don't even think I could begin to reproduce. I've never witnessed her going into her deepest moments, but even reading about it scares me a little bit. I'm not sure I could actually see my friend in that state, even if on an intellectual level I know that this is what she wants, and trust the people that she is playing with. The few times we have played scenes together (that were much less intense than this), the hardest part was watching her reactions, hearing her pain and knowing I was a cause of it. I genuinely don't think I would cope with being a witness to or cause of something worse.
There was another feeling that I had though, and that was jealousy. Obviously not jealousy of that level of intense pain, or even intense role play, but jealousy of something being that "real". It made me realise that the last time I played in situations that really got to my head, where I was forced to submit, was back in January/February time, and I'm starting to miss that. It's not that I haven't been spanked (and strapped, and caned, and birched!) in the meantime. I have. I've also roleplayed, and it's all been fun, but I think that even though some of the people I've played with in these last few months are the sort of people I've played deeper, more intense (my level of intense!) scenes with before, the sort of play that has been happening since the new year has mostly been fun, lighthearted, not really headspacey.
Which is good, as that's what I really needed. As I'm sure you've all realised from my blog the past six months or so have been stressful for me. I've not always felt up to playing at all, and had a good two month (if not more) period where the whole idea was a bit of a turn off. So I would not have been ready in these last few months to play at any level more than "lighthearted". The fact that I'm starting to crave that sort of play where I'm made to submit makes me think that I am now ready again for that.
Which is a bit of a bugger, really, as I'm about to get (if it's actually possible!) even busier. So finding time for "real" play, as opposed to fun, lighthearted play, will get even more difficult.
I suspect there is no solution to this. I need someone on tap, ready at a moment's notice, able to fit into my schedule when I want to play. Which is a little unrealistic ;-) The only viable solution for this would be to actually go through with getting that man in the shed. You know, the one who's going to do my gardening and insect removal. I'll make sure he's a damn good top as well, and ready to spank me at a moment's notice.
That'll work, right?
16 hours ago