Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Stubborn To The Point Of Stupid

As you may have noticed from some of my recent posts, I've been in a bit of a strange mood when playing recently. Even my biggest fans will concede that I have something of a stubborn streak. In my defence there are very many situation where I'm not in the slightest bit stubborn, and will happily concede to other people in the interests of peace and harmony all round. That's something I learnt growing up with a younger sibling.

To be honest, I don't think I've historically been particularly stubborn when being spanked - I can't cope well enough with the pain to be stubborn – I have to give in once it reaches a certain level.
That seems to have changed recently though, and I have been finding myself in a worryingly stubborn state of mind while playing. On the one hand it is exhilarating to be in a place where I'm just mentally going “f*** you, there's no way I'm giving in to you.” but on the other hand, my judgement as to what I can (and should) take seems to be somewhat impaired.

The last couple of times I've played, first when I was beaten to tears over a marshmallow , and then when I played a scene where I was a reformatory girl with an attitude problem , I have some doubts that I would have safeworded. Well, I'm sure I would have eventually, but probably well past the point of safety, and of what I actually wanted to take. In short, I was being stubborn to the point of being stupid. I was very fortunate enough that I was playing with two sensible and sane tops who were responsible enough to stop the scene at the point where it should have stopped, rather than waiting for me to do so at some unspecified point in the future when I have beaten well past my normal tolerance level.

I'm grateful to both of them for that, especially as in one case the person in question then had to endure my extended gloat about having “won”. The thing is, though, that I shouldn't have to rely on other people to be my safety net. Responsible play is the not just up to the top to ensure. It's up to both parties. I was lucky that they can judge me well enough to call time. If I play with people who are not able to judge me well enough and I still persist in this ridiculous stubbornness, I may well end up with more than I bargained for.

The only problem is that I don't know how to get out of this stubborn mind set... maybe the fact that I'm unlikely to be playing much (if at all) over the next couple of months due to various vanilla things happening, might just snap me out of it. Let's hope so for my bum's sake!


Haron said...

Do you think you would be just as stubborn with people you *don't* have a good rapport with? Maybe it's getting on with the other person really well that brings out the little miss stubborn in you?

Indy said...

Plus you've been playing more regularly and so it's unlikely to hurt as unpleasantly. For me, it doesn't take stubbornness, so much as good tolerance on that day, to want to play much longer than is a good idea. I suspect those endorphins have something to do with that!

But then again, I'm not stubborn at all. Nope. ;)

Kaelah said...

Hmm, playing beyond one's limits really isn't a good idea! But since feeling empowered and strong after a spanking is one of the best things which I can get out of the spanking, being stubborn and not giving in most of the time is a necessity for me in order to get what I seek. Of course that goes along with a risk of playing beyond one's limits. That's why I usually don't play any scenarios that depend on me quitting or being broken at a certain point.

Maybe it helps you to adjust your scenes a bit when you are in such a stubborn mood? When I'm in my “heroine” mood, Ludwig just challenges me and pushes me, but for him it is completely okay when I try to be brave and to show only restrained reactions. We make up scenarios that allow him to stop the scene without me pleading for mercy or something like that, because having to do this would usually destroy the scene for me. I think both of the tops you've played with realised that what you needed this time was to stay on top and to “win”. And so they only pushed you to a certain limit and then stopped.

Of course this is easier when you tell the top about your needs and chose a fitting scenario beforehand, once you realise that you're in a special mood. Then you don't have to rely on the top's ability to realise what's going on. Of course I don't know whether for example these kind of heroine scenarios have any appeal for you (at least when being in that stubborn mood)? The scenarios Ludwig and I play are often at least semi-consensual and I know that many bottoms prefer non-consensual scenarios which allow them to protest and to fight...

Zille Defeu said...

All who have posted before me have made excellent points! I barely have anything left to say!

But one thing I do want to add is that maybe this is not something you need "get out of" -- but something you literally have to *work through* -- well, your bottom has to do the work! ;)

You are lucky to have tops who know you and your limits, and can read you better than you can sometimes read yourself -- that's what we all hope to find for play partners!

Since you have that, it gives you a bit of leeway to explore this aspect of you without being too concerned that it will all go pear-shaped and emotional or physical damage will be done.

You write, "Responsible play is the not just up to the top to ensure. It's up to both parties." Which is true! But tops did sign up for being the ones in charge -- if you don't let them do that, you're missing some of the fun and intensity that can safely be explored in play.

I think if you talk to your tops, let them know what's going on with you, they can probably find ways to safely work through this with you -- and then just make sure to only play with people you trust a great deal for as long as you're working through this!

Good luck, and have some fun with it!