Control

“Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control.”

Lyrics from Maroon Five's “Harder To Breathe”.

I used to listen to this song loads when it was first released without really listening to the lyrics much, but it appeared on my ipod the other day, and I had to replay it a couple of times to check I'd heard correctly.

Control. It's a funny thing. Anyone who knows me will know that I can be a bit of a control freak. I like to know what's happening, I like things to go my way, I like to be the one defining the situation, the outcomes, the parameters. In my daily life one of the most upsetting things that can happen to me is to feel like I'm not in control.

The thing is, control is exhausting. I have got better, as I've got older, I've learnt to let go a little, but when you've run your own life, paid your own mortgage, made all your decisions about everything from what can of soup to buy to what house to buy, for eleven years, you are pretty used to being in control, and to having to make every single decision and organising every single thing. Letting go, even though you know how tiring it is not to let go, is tough.

This is one of the reasons spanking and CP appeals to me so much – having someone deliberately take that control away from me, and take over, even if it only control over what is happening to my bottom, is a bit of a revelation. Not having a say in the matter is freeing, while at the same time being utterly scary. “Is it painful to learn that it's me that has all the control?” Oh yes, both mentally and physically.

Of course, at the end of the day, if you are playing as a bottom in a safe, sane, and of course consensual manner, you actually still do have all the control. You can stop the scene. It can all be over in seconds. On the other hand, if you're doing it properly, the illusion that the control has been taken from you will be very real indeed. And very hot indeed.