Learning To Cane - Or Not?

A friend tried to teach me to cane last night. My lack of topping skill is a well known joke among my friends, as is the disparity between my ability to "talk the talk" and my total inability to do anything more than that! To be fair, people do generally seem to think that I will eventually get the topping bug, and they are probably right. At the moment though, even if I intellectually want to top people, I find it quite hard because, well, I don't like to hurt them!

First of all, I just worry about hurting them with the spanking, despite the fact that I know that on some level they will be enjoying it. I also worry about hurting them in a way I don't intend to, e.g. with improper technique. For this reason I often will ask people for tips about technique.

Therefore, when a friend offered to give me a caning lesson, I of course accepted. Well you would, wouldn't you? Everything was set up - an "easy to handle" cane, furniture moved out of the way, cushions positioned over the sofa. So there I stand, cane in hand, having had some basics demonstrated, start to try and hit the cushions, and basically have a wee bit of a meltdown.
I suddenly found myself on the verge of tears. I was stressed, I was upset, and wasn't truly sure why. I certainly thought I was being pretty bloody silly. After all, I was caning a cushion. There's not a huge amount to get upset about doing that. It became obvious fairly quickly that this disquiet that I was feeling was not about to magically disappear, so we hugged, and chatted about why I had reacted like I had. In my normal style, I was inclined to be hard on myself, calling myself an idiot, and generally being cross that I'd been so silly. My friend was lovely and reassured me that I was not an idiot, and we talked about what might have been behind my reaction. I don't know to be sure, but I think that it may well relate to the way I view the cane.

As I've posted before, the cane is my nemesis. It's an implement that I fear like no other, and that I don't ever think I would truly be able to "love". On the other hand, it also has a psychological power over me like nothing else. It's possible that my little "meltdown" was related to the fact that it was caning we were trying. After all, the act of using something that has such a psychological hold over me, even if I'm merely using it on cushions, is a powerful thing. Logically, it's maybe not surprising that the thought of inflicting something that I hold in such awe on another person (the ultimate end goal, even if not in that lesson!) was an upsetting one.

I think I'm going to lay off the canes for now. I might aim for something I love first, before moving onto something that I've got a less straightforward relationship with.