I'm very lucky to have a wonderful group of kinky girlfriends, who I get to see on a pretty regular basis. In particular, we have a monthly meet up in a pub where we spend the evening having a lovely chat, mostly about kink and rudery. Very often the chat descends pretty quickly. On one memorable occasion a member of the party had dropped an earring on the floor after we'd been having a lengthy conversation about butt plugs. As she stood up and bent over to search for the earring, the table broke out in shouts of "What've you lost? Looking for your butt plug are you??", to the poor girl's embarrassment.
Sometimes though, we have very in depth conversations. This week we were having a particularly intellectual evening. We were discussing whether "competitive subbing" exists, how we respond to our pain and others' pain. Our approach and attitutde towards group scenes and to being dealt with "in public" (i.e. in front of others). What our favourite implements are and why, meeting people from online in real life and how different they can be. And it was wonderful. Rudery and hilarity are great fun, but it's also so good to be with a group of (quite frankly scarily) intelligent and like minded people and to be able to have those sorts of discussions.
There has been a lot of talk recently on blogs about intelligence and kink. While I often call myself stupid, I deep down know that this is not the case. I may not be a genius, but I'm a fairly intelligent person, and one of the joys for me in life is discovery and learning. This is no different for my kinky side. I'm endlessly curious about how the world works and about how kink works. Therefore it's a total joy to me to have found friends who I can have intelligent and interesting discussions with, as well as ones about enemas!
Someone, I think it may have been Abel, made a very good point in the comments of someone else's blog, possibly Emma Jane's, but I might be wrong! If I recall correctly, he wondered whether he was just lucky to have found a circle of people who were similar in terms of intellect/intelligence, or whether he became friends with them in the first place BECAUSE of that very reason. I think it's probably the latter for me. The people I tend to be drawn to as friends, or whose writing I'm drawn to, are those who have something to say, and who can say it in a coherent, reasoned and amusing manner. Of course, the chances are that those people are pretty intelligent.
I feel like a horrible person even writing this down, but at the end of the day it's true, and I may as well admit it to myself. I'm just not so drawn to people who write things or who email me or I speak to who are not able to express themselves well. Badly worded/spelt messages, comments, emails etc. will very likely not attract me to a person, but it's not just about spelling, it's about having a facility with words. I find nothing sexier, in a man or a woman, than someone who can truly use their mind.
23 hours ago
8 comments:
Oh my goodness, yet another person who uses the word 'rudery'... I'm always telling Richard that it's only a matter of time before that blinking word makes it into the OED! (sorry - no offence, honest - that word just really makes me cringe). I'm not sure if it was Richard or Jessica who invented it though...?
Anyway on-topic: I agree about the intelligence thing. I was once in a relationship where the other person wasn't interested in anything even remotely intellectual, never read books ever and was always having a go at me for 'using big words'. I felt like I was being snobby holding that against him, but what I eventually realised was that whilst it's ok to not be intelligent and it doesn't make you a 'lesser' person etc, I actually prefer to spend time with people who are clever and (more importantly) open-minded and that it's fine and natural to have personal preferences.
Hmm, not sure if this comment has made sense at all...
xxx
Faye, it's probably best to blame Jessica for my use of "rudery" though feel free to blame Richard as well, if you like!
Yes, you're comment made complete sense. And yes, you're right, it's fine to say "actually, I do prefer to spend my time in company of people who challenge and inspire me", and that doesn't mean I'm looking down on anyone else, but getting my head round the fact that that doesn't make me an evil cow is hard sometimes.
Now I *know* my comment didn't make sense!
All I can say is that I am totally in agreement. In's no wonder we are friends!
Eliane, a good post, I so agree with you.
Faye it's actually usage that puts words in dictionaries. So yes if enough people use *rudery* it will eventually find it's way into the OED, and old fogeys like me will roll their eyes and ask, "what the world is coming to."
Warm hugs,
Paul.
What a lovely problem to have!
Don't beat yourselves up about this. There's a difference between between compatibility and decency, and finding that someone isn't all that compatible doesn't suggest a lack of decency-- on their part or on yours.
Besides, I'm pretty sure it isn't all about intelligence and education. There are plenty of highly intelligent, unimaginative and boring people out there with remarkably little curiosity. They never spell anything incorrectly, eschew made-up words like 'rudery,' (lol) and triumphantly jump to correct every little typo on Lowewood.
I'd much rather hang out with curious, generous people who can't write very well, and I suspect you'd feel the same. Still, for those of us that grew up as the clever kid that never quite fit in, it's all the more wonderful to find a group of kind and perceptive people who are interested in ideas and have delightfully wicked imaginations.
Of course, if we value open-mindedness, then we worry about writing people off unfairly. For me, I suppose it comes down to whether or not the other person is trying to communicate honestly. We've all (especially the women, I'd bet) seen the e-mails or FetLife messages that make us wonder whether the writer has taken even a millisecond to read our profiles and get to know us. Those put me off whether the spelling and vocabulary are impressive or not.
Okay, I've gone on too long already. Thanks for the interesting post and comments that got me going!
It's natural to feel most comfortable with people of our own ilk but it is a blessing when you can feel comfortable with all kinds of people.
I have to say I am quite envious of this:
I'm very lucky to have a wonderful group of kinky girlfriends ...
That's always been a dream of mine.
I just wish my wife shared my dreams ...
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☼☼☼Dante☼☼☼
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Oh, I've also discovered about myself that I find intelligence incredibly sexy. Thing is, there are all different kinds of intelligence, and most people when they use the word mean academic intelligence specifically. And there's nothing wrong with that...that's sexy too.
But I think what most of us want is someone who (as said above) challenges and inspires us, and to which I would add, "interests and entertains us." Because we can't spend all our time in bed or OTK (no, we can't...I've tried *bg*), and what a joy to find someone whose company delights you otherwise!
"Someone, I think it may have been Abel, made a very good point".
Yep, that would definitely have been me.
Hold on, *what* point? Right, yes, actually, it *was* me!
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