Occasionally, I'm completely OK with my 'newish' found desires. I would be quite happy shouting from the rooftops "Yes, I love to be spanked, do you have a problem with that?!". The rest of the time I vacillate between tentative acceptance, and feeling like a complete freak. I can cope with the tentative acceptance, though it would be lovely if I could feel completely at ease with it more often. It's the feeling like a complete freak that wears me down. Rationally (in that little rational corner of my brain that hides somewhere deep in my skull) I know that there are thousands of other people like me out there, literally thousands, and I'm grateful that I live in the Internet age and can actually see their (well, your!) presence out in the ether and know that I'm not alone.
But when that rational part of my brain runs off to hide, the irrational part is left thinking that I'm just a complete weirdo with unacceptable desires, who, quite frankly is a little bit sick. I mean, seriously, who gets off on pain? And being controlled? That's just wrong, isn't it? I look at my friends around me and I think, what would they do if they knew? Would they be able to accept the new me? Would they ever be able to look me in the eye again? This need of mine is so much in conflict with their image of me, that I doubt they would ever be able to reconcile the two.
So I stay locked in my head wondering if I'm just too sick for words, hoping that it's not too long before my little pendulum swings back to 'acceptance' again.
1 day ago
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6 comments:
Does it really matter though? Ultimately? It's nice to be accepted, yes. But, for all you know, the person on the other side of the street looking at you funny is "weirder" than you. Hopefully that actually made sense... otherwise I can say, it takes some time.
And yes, the Internet helps with finding people like you for more than people like "us." :D
I know the feeling. It took me a few months to make peace with it. It really wasn't until my husband told me for the umpteenth time that he enjoyed it, until I finally heard it and felt it. It gets easier. :)
I feel te same. It is different for me as I am just starting out in this journey (if one can call it that?). I am only 21 and often wonder if what I am wanting is right? If my housemate and my friends knew bout my desires and wants I think they would run a mile. Yes society is a lot more open bout sex and tabboo issues but there's always a boundary where it becomes uncomftable.
Luckily the internet is around and being an IT student I spend most of my life on there!
Well, you *are* a freak, but it's OK. You don't need your friends to give you permission to enjoy yourself in any consensual way. :)
Can you *imagine* what their sexual secrets are like? Do you want to imagine them? Would you care? I assure you, they don't care either.
{{{hugs}}}
Eliane,
I bet this will change over time. I am totally comfortable with my spanko feelings. If it weren't for fear of embarrassing my children I would go on Oprah and shout our message to the world. Not that I am recruiting, just educating. I mostly want women like you that are uncomfortable with your feelings to know just how 'alright' we are. All you need to is keep reading out here. So many women like me have found their lives improved immensely since embracing the feelings that have always been in them. If you have the chance read my post on Oct 31, 2006. It is one of my favorite things I have ever written and it is as true today as it was then.
You are fine, relax and accept yourself!! It is actually spanko and not blonds that have more fun!!
Hugs
PK
jz
Guys,
Thank you so much for your comments and support. I think the main thing I'm trying to work on at the moment is my acceptance of myself... but I'm getting there :-) Then I'll work on not giving a damn about what anyone else thinks...
You never know, give me a few years and I might be running around the streets in nothing but a T Shirt with 'I loved to be spanked - got a problem with that?!' written on the front... or maybe not...
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