Dear, dear friends who I can't be arsed to actually visit or talk to on the phone any more, but who I'm sure are nevertheless desperately awaiting this letter to find out how wonderful my life is,
I would make some personalised comment to each and every one of you enquiring how 2009 has treated you, but quite frankly this letter is about me and not you, and I don't care that much, so I won't bother.
I've had a wonderful year, but am especially proud of some particular achievements. I have survived another whole year at work without murdering any of her colleagues, even when faced with severe provocation. But talking about work is unnecessarily boring, a lesson that a couple of you on this list could do with learning. No, Robert, I have zero desire to learn about the intricacies of your data processing job. When you tell me about it, it makes me want to hang myself. Michael – the same thing goes for sandwich making. Tales about fillings can only take you so far.
I've had many lovely holidays, and while I may not have learnt to scuba dive in the Maldives, hiked through the Andes, or studied indigenous peoples in the Amazon, I still had a jolly good time in Spain, Italy and Prague. Boring, in comparison, I know, but we can't all be over-achieving showoffs...
Of course, the real news this year is how far I've come in my kinky journey. Yes, I know some of you would really rather not know the gory details of this, but if I have to suffer your tales of you incessantly chattering, badly behaved and utterly spoilt offspring, and their mediocre accomplishments that you talk up as though they had won a Nobel Prize instead of passed a Year 1 spelling test, then you have to put up with some (let's face it, FAR LESS) unpleasant information from myself in return.
So, the year got off to a gentle start, forging new friendships. It soon kicked up pace though, with a wealth of firsts: first time being spanked in front of someone else, first (and second and third) school role play days, first kinky party, first visit to a fetish club, first birthday spanking, first visit to a foreign fetish club, first fiction blog writing, first spanking orgy hosted, first regency role play weekend, the list of firsts goes on. I've been spanked, caned, strapped, cropped, paddled, tawsed, flogged. All in all, rather a fun year. I suspect, in fact, far more fun that any of you boring lot have had.
If I'm really lucky, I will have shocked some of you so much that you won't bother writing to me or sending me any of your boring missives... If I'm really lucky.
Wishing you a smug-filled 2010,