Failure

I'm cross at myself. Again. Cross at myself that I seem to be unable to deal with certain issues on my own. I know swearing is unpleasant and shows a lack of imagination. That's why I want to stop. It's OK with my friends, but I'm all too often in situations where I could easily offend people when the language that pops out of my mouth 'normally' continues to pop out; and I really don't want to be the one who teaches my friends' kids to say f*** and s***. See, I'm a (mostly) rational, (sometimes) intelligent woman, I know swearing is bad. I also know that having more books sitting around waiting to be read than I could probably get through in a year's non-stop reading and THEN going out and buying eleven in one weekend, is impulsive, bordering on irrational. I know that I need to go to bed at a decent time or else I am a crabby cow the next morning. Seriously, I KNOW all this stuff. So why do I still do it? Why am I incapable of taking myself in hand on these issues? Why do I need someone else to hold me accountable for those behaviours in order for me to change? That's what makes me crossest with myself. I know I should be able to deal with these things, and yet I can't. Which is a failure in itself. And what do I fear pretty much above all else in the world (save bad things happening to those I care about?) why yes, you guessed it, I hate failure. So to fail before you even start to address your failings has a bitter little twist to it.
Do you know what else makes me cross as well? The fact that the threat of punishment actually seems to work. I'm not saying that I don't have one hell of a punishment coming to me tomorrow for swearing, but as the last 10 days have progressed, I've found myself swearing less and less, and catching myself literally in the act of uttering a word and stopping. In fact I've not sworn at all for the last two days. Is that mostly through sheer terror that the number of swats owed to me was rapidly advancing towards the high tens? Yes, it most likely is, but it's achieved the desired effect. I also haven't bought a book for a week, despite being tempted several times, and I have mostly gone to bed at a half decent hour. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of myself for making this progress, which for me, on these issues, is not insignificant. But that doesn't stop me being absolutely furious with myself for not being able to address my faults by myself in the first place. I still feel like a failure as both a human being and a woman.