Submission, again.

Sometimes I find myself in the situation where on an intellectual level I know I deserve the punishment that is coming to me. I know that I have violated the rules that I put in place and that I want to live my life by. In effect, I know I've let myself, and potentially others, down. So I know I deserve exactly what I'm about to receive. At least intellectually. So why do I find it so hard to submit and accept that punishment gracefully? The sheer act of bending over or going over someone's lap is at once exhilarating and terrifying, and is also very submissive. You bend over in the knowledge that what is about to happen will hurt. A lot. That it is unlikely to stop when you are ready for it to stop, but my well carry on considerably passed that point. You know that you may cry, and will certainly struggle to stay in position. But you also know that you deserve it. At least, as I said above, intellectually. So why do I struggle with that act so much. Why do I struggle not just to bend over, but to mentally submit? Even though I know that I ask for this, and that I'm a willing participant in the unfolding game, I often feel very far from submissive. I feel rebellious. I feel annoyed. I feel angry at myself both for making the mistakes in the first place, and for submitting. I certainly don't feel contrite until a long time into the punishment. Yet I *want* to submit, to be contrite. I don't want to be in that resentful headspace. I want to be accepting. But it often takes me a long time to, in effect, give in to the pain and give in to the event. I need to find ways to submit on an emotional level from the start. If for no other reason than if he's not trying to spank me into submission, if I am already on the way there, it might mean a little less attention to, and pain for, my rear end...!