Thursday 30 October 2008

Pathetic... probably the best word to describe my performance tonight. I had tried really hard to get myself into the right frame of mind, and I think I probably had done. However, once the caning started all that went right out the window. I stood up after practically every stroke. I cried. I thought I was going to be sick. After stroke five I stood up and flat out refused to get back down again for about 3 hours. Well, that's what it seemed like. It probably wasn't quite that long. George, to his eternal credit, did not lose it, as I'm sure I would have done if the situation had been reversed. I was being a complete pain, and probably deserved about 20 extras which he very kindly did not dispense tonight, though he really should have done.

I'm mostly just so angry with myself. Even when I was in the middle of kicking up a complete fuss, I was furious with myself for not just being able to bend back over and damn well get on with it. I really wish I knew why my reaction to pain varies so greatly. I know some of it is headspace, and some of it hormones, and some of it tiredness and goodness knows what else, but it's irritating (an understatement!) for me not to know how I'm going to react to a spanking from one day to the next, and I'm sure it must be endlessly frustrating for George. Eventually we did get through the 12 (though it probably took getting on for half an hour I was being such a baby...).

Later on, after I had calmed down a bit, we had a bit of a conversation about vocabulary. We agreed that submissive wasn't a good term for me, but I don't think we reached any conclusions as to what was... ah well, I'm me and that's all I need to know! We also had a discussion about the phrase he used when he linked to my blog from his: "Eliane is mine and will regularly send stroppy texts and emails for daring to suggest she is anything other than independent." I took great exception to this, obviously, so he said he was going to prove it to me, as I would get over his lap and be spanked when he asked me to. Again, obviously, I refused... I mean, come on, a girl has her pride. We tussled for a bit. He nearly won at one point but I managed to shoot myself off his knees and onto the floor. Now comes the part where he would claim he won the argument. Yes, I did get back over his lap, and yes I did let him spank me but *only* because he uttered the words "if you don't get over my lap I'll use the bathbrush on you". Seriously folks, that's just blackmail, isn't it?! Of course I got over his lap, I hate wood!! So, I'd just like to state for the record, that I'm mine and no one else's and I will continue to send stroppy emails and texts (and blog posts) to that effect, because sometimes it's about the principle of the thing!

(Oo, and the kink came back on Wednesday evening, thank goodness!)


Paul said...

Eliane, twelve strokes of the cane, not easy specially if they are your first.
I think G was wise, in this instance, not to add extra strokes.
Warm hugs,

Anonymous said...

Awwwwww. Poor you.

But really, I don't think it matters that you didn't stay still and stuff. It's not the worst thing in the world.

Besides, if he's going to insist that you're 'his' when you're not, why should you stay still for him??? He deserves it.

And I'm glad your kink has come back :)

Anonymous said...

lol... blame the darn cane and not yourself! The one true negative about a cane is the fact that the spankee really does need to stay in place. It's not like OTK where she can be kept in place.

What does help though, at least sometimes... is a nice OTK session before the cane. That can get mindset in the right place.

Todd & Suzy

Tigger4MC said...

The cane is probably the worst ever invention! It makes me want to throw up every time. I feel the strokes all the way through my body, straight to my head and back again. You are NOT wimpy, because 12 strokes was hard to take.

I'm enjoying your blog, by the way. :-)

The Headmaster said...

I have a small piece of equipment in my study that would help you stay in position!

Eliane said...

Thank you *so* much for the kind offer of something to help me stay in place headmaster, but I'm just fine being able to run away, thanks all the same!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say hello I found yours threw someone else on Live Journal, I love the newness of when someone is entering the lifestyle and you can feel the excitment. Its a great blog so far. It takes me back to when I was also trying really HARD to become friends with the cane. I swore it would never happen and felt like such a wussy BUT after alot of years and getting a little tougher and being trained to turn pain into pleasure so to speak.I LOVE the cane, He has broken several over my bottom. You will eventually get there to I Promise!!!

Also standing still is hard I was always bound in the beginning now its more a mental bondage thatkeeps me there asking and begging for more, Never saw that one coming either!!

Great stuff and Have fun