Warning: Drivel ahead. I thought about not posting this, but sometimes drivel is usefel for me on a personal level, so please bear with me. You have been warned!
Stoicism did not used to be major character trait of mine, when it came to spanking. I was quite happy to say "owowowow" A LOT, especially if it had any effect on how hard someone was spanking me. Something has happened in recent months, though. I have a new found rebellious streak. This is most apparent when I'm role playing, though does sometimes come out at other times.
It has become quite pronounced when I am in character, though. During the Winterbrook scene we played, there was a moment when I had lied and Sir George made me say "I am a naughty little liar". As I stood there, desperate not to say the words I was being told to say, it felt like hours passed. In reality it was only probably two minutes, but the urge to just refuse to say those words and say something very rude instead, even though I knew what the consequences would be, was nearly overwhelming.
It was even more pronounced when I was playing with Sir Abel, as Lady Francesca. I was absolutely determined that I was not going to show these men that what they were doing was hurting me. I was not going to flinch, I was not going to move, I was going to keep any pain out of my voice, and keep the insolent tone in it, and if they were going to get any sort of reaction from me, they were damn well going to have to force it out of me. Luckily for me, the real life counterparts of both Sir George and Sir Abel are sensible gentlemen and didn't try to beat this insolence or rebellion out of me. Which is a good thing, as, with the mood I was in both times, I probably would have taken much more than I was fundamentally happy to take, just because in my head I was determined that no punishment would have an effect.
It's a funny head space to be in. Now that I am starting to recognise it more, it could be a great dynamic to really play around with, especially with those people who I do trust to be able to push me as far as I need to go, but not over the top. I talked a few months ago about wanting to explore scenes with characters who weren't contrite, or sorry but who were rebels. The way my play has evolved over the past month or so has not been a conscious manifestation of this desire, but it has been a manifestation nevertheless, and it's fun to play around with.
The thing is though, I'm greedy. I want something more. I'm pretty rebellious in real life too, and I get more so as I get older. On the surface of course I'm not. I am a "grown up" with my own house, a responsible (ish) job, who does community service and lives within (most of) the norms of society. So I'm not a rebel in that sense, but in the way I behave with people and in groups, I can be quite rebellious, bratty, prodding. I can be overcompetitive (though not at sport, where I know I will lose so I don't bother trying!) and this can exhibit itself even in a small battle of wills. I am, even if it sounds boastful, a clever and smart person. I always have a comeback, I can't keep my mouth shut, I find it hard to give in a lot of the time. And the reason I'm greedy is that while I love all the role play I do, I want something more, in real life. I want someone who, just once in a while, will best me in these arguments. Who will, literally, upend me and put a lid on the comebacks, and the brattiness and the rebellion, and the not being able to back down. Who will tell me that the banter has gone that one step too far. Who will call me on it. Not all the time - that would just be oppressing my natural ebullience and that's no good for me. But once in a while. Not making any sense, am I? Thought not. Oh well.