If one of my friends had subdrop, I would be there for them, I would hug them and let them cry, and think it was a perfectly natural reaction to a good scene or a good day's play. Other people's emotions don't bother me... well that sounds wrong, but what I mean is, I acknowledge their right to have emotion, to let themselves show it, and to let other people help them get through it.
The same rules don't apply to me though. Yesterday was lovely. We had a fun day of role play, which I'm sure I'll write more about when I'm more in the mood. After dinner, it hit. Suddenly I realised that the day was nearly at an end and it would soon be time to go back to reality, and all the stress and worry that entailed. I suspect I also had some PMT which won't have helped matters. All of a sudden, all I wanted to was cry. But that wasn't allowed. Jemima had cried earlier, and that was fine, that was a character. But Eliane wasn't allowed to cry. So I went upstairs to try and get a grip, and then I came back down and got on with some chores, and just tried to avoid talking to anyone for a few minutes. It all came apart though. I can't even remember what triggered it, probably someone asking if I was OK, but all of a sudden I was on the sofa in tears. Good friends came over and hugged me, and held my hand and told me it was OK, it was subdrop and all perfectly natural, but I knew it wasn't. It's fine for everyone else, but for me showing emotion equals showing weakness, and is not allowed, or at least not in public. Yup, I am in fact *that* screwed up. I feel like an idiot for having cried yesterday. I'm angry with myself. Even though I know my friends recognise the tears for what they were, and don't think I'm silly, idiotic and weak, just as I would never think that of them in the same situation, *I* still think I'm silly, idiotic and weak. I need to get a grip and damn well get on with what I need to do today. I need to stop wallowing, act like an adult.
And so I ask myself the question "Why do I afford everyone else the luxury of being able to be vulnerable, but not myself?" I don't know. Some of it will come down to the fact that I'm something of a perfectionist. Over the years I've learnt to let go of perfection when it comes to a lot of things, as I would just never get anything done. Not in myself though. If I can't be visually perfect (which I most certainly can't!) then I have to be mentally as perfect as much as possible. And showing weakness is not perfection. Everyone else is allowed to be human, just not me.
44 minutes ago
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8 comments:
Eliane, I understand much better than my friends wish!
Feel better!
Sometimes I see myself in you so much it's not even true. This is one of those times.
So I know that what I write isn't going to have much of an impact. You've got quite an... I'm struggling for the term here because "internal critic" or "inner grown-up" fail to hit the nail on the head. Suffice to say, I know it. And I wish I could rescue you or Jemima or whoever from it.
The piece I wrote last week - actually a take on this, from the POV of someone attempting rehabilitation. And even though it is about Casey Morgan, it applies just as much to the woman behind her, the equivalent of your "Me".
Anyway, in lieu of something better - hugs to the girl being told to grow up and snap out of it...
I hate crying in front of people. Hate it, hate it. And I haven't yet figured out how to get over that, but until we do, let's just be glad our friends are more generous and logical than we are.
Glad you had a lovely time at Lowewood!
Perhaps being able to show your emotions to those who care for you and whom you trust isn't 'weakness' at all?
Sending a hug your way.
You are strong. You have the courage to place yourself into a situation which less that one in a thousand others would willingly do, even though ten times that many might secretly wish to. It is a situation which involves the voluntary submission to the infliction of pain. We know it has other massive chemical impacts, from which drop is inevitable... and you think its a sign of weakness to succumb to the inevitable, and cry in the company of understanding friends.
Your chosen doms are the ones allowed to be harsh on you, you mustn't do it to yourself as well.
Have a big hug for a brave girl from a friend who doesn't mind, and maybe secretly appreciates, a few tears on his shoulder.
Thank you all for your lovely messages and support. I know, intellectually, that being human is not a weakness. One of these days it might click in every way. I can but keep trying!
It's so easy to bully yourself, and it's just not fair on you. I wish I could give you some massive hugs. I understand this so well! I think a lot of us strong, smart, generous bottoms struggle with various versions of the same complex. You're not alone.
I hate showing emotions in public as well, and subconsciously feel I should be stronger than the average bear*, so I know how that goes.
But it's just a matter of being a friend to yourself, isn't it? Treating yourself with the same understanding that you'd show anyone you cared about. You care enough about Eliane to see to her spanking needs, you just have to work on seeing to her other needs as well. :)
Of course, it's easy to advise someone else, and easier said than done. So believe me, I'm writing this for my own benefit more than yours! *g*
(*Paraphrase from American Yogi Bear cartoons, in case anyone was wondering.)
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