Friday 1 May 2009

Letting It Out

I don't think I had realised quite how much stress and tension I was building up inside me. On the outside I felt OK. Yes, I was busy, there were a lot of very important things going on both at work and at home, but I didn't feel that panicky, tense feeling that I often get when I'm stressed, so I sort of assumed I was OK. The thing is, when I was younger, when I first started work, I had quite physical ways of dealing with stress. If something was really getting to me at work, I would go off for a walk, kick tyres on cars, go have a damn good rant in the canteen, throw stones into the river near where we worked... I also knew that it was fairly obvious to people that I worked with that I got stressed about things, and I was told that it would hinder my career if I let that show.
So I started to internalise stress more and more, and apparently got bloody good at it, to the extent that I didn't even realise I was all that stressed until last night.
Halfway through a spanking, a normal "fun" spanking, no scolding (apart from "stop moving" lol), no paying for misdeeds, a dam that I did not even realise was there, broke. When it broke a flood of tears came pouring out and would not stop. I probably cried for a good fifteen minutes (as he continued to spank ;-) ) and then later on when he was caning me I started crying again, probably for another fifteen minutes. To be honest, I'm not even sure I'm done now, the morning after. I think there might still be some tears left in there to cry. The really strange thing is, I'm not crying about anything in particular, which is not like me. It's just this massive release of tension. It's really quite scary that there was that much "emotion" sitting there inside me undealt with, and unacknowledged. I'm very grateful that I did actually have the sort of spanking last night that helped me release some of that, because goodness knows *when* it would have come out otherwise.
Probably at some highly inappropriate and career-limiting moment!


EmmaJane said...

Wow, that sounds wonderfully cathartic. I hope you feel better, I understnad what it can be like to have so much emotion built up inside. While spanking would be my number one outlet for it, I can also recommend boxing ;)

(BTW good luck on Sunday!!)

Winchester said...

What a good thing you had the opportunity to let go in a safe and secure way: yes, Emma Jane is right - there was certainly healing happening there. Great that it happened! Tension not allowed to be released puts anyone well on the way to a breakdown! Far better a spanking (and caning) any day.

Kami Robertson said...

Welcome darling in the wonderful world when tears flow bringing peacefulness with your own emotions. Isn't it just great? :)

Abel1234 said...

Maybe they should make caning available on the NHS for anyone stressed?!

I wonder - was it very disconcerting for whoever was caning you? I mean, when similar things have happened during scenes I've been playing, I've ended up rather puzzled (and quite mortified) at the time the tears start to flow. ("I didn't think I whacked her *that* hard", and worrying that the girl wasn't enjoying the scene or I had done something wrong).

Kami Robertson said...

No offence Abel but I'm surprised you find it so puzzling, I thought you would be used to that.

I mean, you should know that tears are not always becuase you wacked someone too hard ;) or that there are sick people who use tears as one of the indicators that the scene was really good and intense (pointing finger at herself)

But I suppose it's easy for me to say that, no one ever cried because I hit her/him too hard so I probably can't really relate to feeling you and other might have ;)

Eliane said...

Abel, I'd echo Kami's comments. I think sometimes it IS just for the emotional release. I agree it could be disconcerting when playing with someone new, or if the "tone" had not been leading that way. However, I was playing with a friend who knows me quite well, so he recongnised it for what it was, but also I was still communicating, (through all the lovely snot!) and kept saying things like "I don't know why I'm crying, it's not like it's hurting", so I think he was fairly confident that the root of it wasn't something that he'd done. Well, or at least something that he'd done wrong!